ok so this is my first post, we had to write a diary in the eyes of a person with depression. so this is my first draft, i would love some feedback :)


^{September 14th}

Dear diary…

It’s been a year, a whole year since she left me, a year since I she held me close and told me everything would be ok, a year of pain. They say it gets easier with time, but that’s a load of crap, it doesn’t. Each day I wake up and feel good, like today is going to be the day I go a whole 24 hours without crying but then I remember, she’s gone.
My beautiful, funny, stunning best friend took her own life and there’s not a thing I can do to bring her back. We did everything together! we were like sisters, everyone envied our friendship and we knew it. She was the only person I only had to look at and she knew what I was thinking. We spent the whole of year 8 together and we did some crazy things, but when she came back from summer break, she wasn’t the same. It was like the sparkle in her died, I knew something was wrong but she insisted she was fine and I was being paranoid, but then we went to do sport and I saw her look more uncomfortable than usual, she’s always been self-conscious I don’t know why, she’s so pretty! I saw her cover her legs and when I asked what was wrong she burst into tears, she moved her shorts to reveal the top of her thighs covered in scars, at first I was shocked and I think I scared her as she got up whipped her tears and walked out leaving me stunned, she refused to talk to me for a whole week, people started noticing something was wrong. So eventually she told me she was self-harming and things were bad, it killed a little part of me. (but I never told her that)
She made me promise I wouldn’t tell anyone, she said she would kill herself if I did, this scared the shit out of me! A few weeks went by and I thought she was ok until I saw it, four huge red scars harshly brandishing her wrists. I knew she was self-harming but this was a whole new level. We were in the bathroom at the time and I pulled her towards me and gently rolled up her selves, she looked at me with such sorrow in her eyes as the tears started to fall. I remember hugging her while she cried for what felt like hours this was when I knew I had to get her some help. I went and told one of the teachers I trusted and she said she would handle it, and she did. I went home that night petrified of what might happen to her, I told my mum everything and she told me everything would be fine. What happened next would haunt me till the day I die.
I was in the kitchen cooking with mum, it was late and dark outside. Glee was on the tv in the background as mum and I talked, the song ‘without you’ came on and I stopped to listen when there was a knock on the front door. I felt sick. Standing there with tears streaming down her face was my best friends mum, she looked like her whole world had just come crashing down. She said ‘can I speak to you outside?’ I nodded and walked into the crisp night air, I had tears in my eyes before she even spoke.
The words came out of her mouth and my heart stopped the whole world turned black and white and all I could hear was the sound of the wind. My best friend was dead. She ended her life and her brother found her, the mum shook me and I came back into focus as I heard ‘did you know how she felt or what she was doing?’ the look in my eyes said it all, I cried and cried. She looked at me with blame written all across her face, I knew how her daughter was feeling and I sat and watched while she slowly killed herself. Her mum got in the car and drove away as I sat on the cold harsh driveway sobbing, my best friend was dead and it was my fault! The few days after that were a blur, I remember sitting staring at the silver photo frame of the two of us at a party.
The funeral came and my classmates and I stood there hand in hand as each of us placed a single pink rose onto her coffin, a lot of people were crying but I just stood there I couldn’t cry anymore, the service was lovely her family spoke, we saw photos and then came the song. Our song. The lyrics danced around the room and realization hit me, tears flooded my eyes as memories flashed in my mind. The next few months were hell every time something happened I wanted to run and tell her, but I couldn’t and it all came back, the tears, the sleepless nights, the pain.
 Everyone at school seemed to be getting back to normal but I just couldn’t. it wasn’t the same without her there, each day I had to walk past her locker and picture her standing there smiling, but the pictures started to fade. Days went by, then weeks but it never felt the same. Her birthday came and I was a mess, our friends got together to have a party for her she would have been 16, I got dressed in her favorite blue dress and pretended I was having fun because it’s what she would have wanted. She was a big party girl and wasn’t afraid to start dancing with a random, but I just couldn’t bring myself to smile. A few people gave amazing speeches and said the most touching words, then it was my turn. I held 16 pink balloons in my hand and I let them go into the breeze of the night sky. Everyone partied all night but my night consisted of a bottle of vodka and an hour of someone holding my hair back while I puked. I thought I could get so drunk I wouldn’t feel anything but man I was wrong.
The days kept on passing and I grew to feel numb, shutting out everyone that tried to help. It seemed like I would never regain the feeling of being happy ever again. I spoke to 5 different psychiatrists, tried 3 different medications and still nothing changed, I seemed happier but deep down I was just as broken as the cold night my life came shattering down.
Today I sat on the hill that we used to sit on when we talked, you can see most of the town from here. We came here when we were sad, happy, when mum was being a pain. This was our safe haven and up here no one in the world matter but me and my best friend. I place the earphones in my ears and close my eyes as our song takes me out of reality and into a peaceful day dream. I feel the breeze caress my delicate cheeks and a cold tear rolls down my face. She’s gone, I never told her how much she meant to me and I never got to say a proper goodbye. But I can’t change any of that, as I lay down and look at the perfect seeming sky I cant help but blame myself for all this.
What if I got her help?
What If I spent more time with her? 

What If I told someone? 

What if I was dead and not her? 

All of these questions will haunt me till the day I die.
And with the way things are going I don’t think it will be that long.