ok so this is my first post, we had to write a diary in the eyes of a person with depression. so this is my first draft, i would love some feedback :)
September 14th
Dear diary…
It’s been a year, a whole year since she left me, a year
since I she held me close and told me everything would be ok, a year of pain. They
say it gets easier with time, but that’s a load of crap, it doesn’t. Each day I
wake up and feel good, like today is going to be the day I go a whole 24 hours
without crying but then I remember, she’s gone.
My beautiful, funny, stunning best friend took her own life and there’s not a
thing I can do to bring her back. We did everything together! we were like
sisters, everyone envied our friendship and we knew it. She was the only person
I only had to look at and she knew what I was thinking. We spent the whole of
year 8 together and we did some crazy things, but when she came back from summer
break, she wasn’t the same. It was like the sparkle in her died, I knew
something was wrong but she insisted she was fine and I was being paranoid, but
then we went to do sport and I saw her look more uncomfortable than usual,
she’s always been self-conscious I don’t know why, she’s so pretty! I saw her
cover her legs and when I asked what was wrong she burst into tears, she moved
her shorts to reveal the top of her thighs covered in scars, at first I was
shocked and I think I scared her as she got up whipped her tears and walked out
leaving me stunned, she refused to talk to me for a whole week, people started
noticing something was wrong. So eventually she told me she was self-harming
and things were bad, it killed a little part of me. (but I never told her that)
She made me promise I wouldn’t tell anyone, she said she would kill herself if
I did, this scared the shit out of me! A few weeks went by and I thought she
was ok until I saw it, four huge red scars harshly brandishing her wrists. I
knew she was self-harming but this was a whole new level. We were in the
bathroom at the time and I pulled her towards me and gently rolled up her
selves, she looked at me with such sorrow in her eyes as the tears started to
fall. I remember hugging her while she cried for what felt like hours this was
when I knew I had to get her some help. I went and told one of the teachers I
trusted and she said she would handle it, and she did. I went home that night
petrified of what might happen to her, I told my mum everything and she told me
everything would be fine. What happened next would haunt me till the day I die.
I was in the kitchen cooking with mum, it was late and dark outside. Glee was
on the tv in the background as mum and I talked, the song ‘without you’ came on
and I stopped to listen when there was a knock on the front door. I felt sick.
Standing there with tears streaming down her face was my best friends mum, she
looked like her whole world had just come crashing down. She said ‘can I speak
to you outside?’ I nodded and walked into the crisp night air, I had tears in
my eyes before she even spoke.
The words came out of her mouth and my heart
stopped the whole world turned black and white and all I could hear was the
sound of the wind. My best friend was dead. She ended her life and her brother
found her, the mum shook me and I came back into focus as I heard ‘did you know
how she felt or what she was doing?’ the look in my eyes said it all, I cried
and cried. She looked at me with blame written all across her face, I knew how
her daughter was feeling and I sat and watched while she slowly killed herself.
Her mum got in the car and drove away as I sat on the cold harsh driveway
sobbing, my best friend was dead and it was my fault! The few days after that
were a blur, I remember sitting staring at the silver photo frame of the two of
us at a party.
The funeral came and my classmates and I stood there hand in
hand as each of us placed a single pink rose onto her coffin, a lot of people
were crying but I just stood there I couldn’t cry anymore, the service was
lovely her family spoke, we saw photos and then came the song. Our song. The
lyrics danced around the room and realization hit me, tears flooded my eyes as
memories flashed in my mind. The next few months were hell every time something
happened I wanted to run and tell her, but I couldn’t and it all came back, the
tears, the sleepless nights, the pain.
Everyone at school seemed to be getting
back to normal but I just couldn’t. it wasn’t the same without her there, each
day I had to walk past her locker and picture her standing there smiling, but
the pictures started to fade. Days went by, then weeks but it never felt the
same. Her birthday came and I was a mess, our friends got together to have a
party for her she would have been 16, I got dressed in her favorite blue dress
and pretended I was having fun because it’s what she would have wanted. She was
a big party girl and wasn’t afraid to start dancing with a random, but I just
couldn’t bring myself to smile. A few people gave amazing speeches and said the
most touching words, then it was my turn. I held 16 pink balloons in my hand
and I let them go into the breeze of the night sky. Everyone partied all night
but my night consisted of a bottle of vodka and an hour of someone holding my
hair back while I puked. I thought I could get so drunk I wouldn’t feel
anything but man I was wrong.
The days kept on passing and I grew to feel numb,
shutting out everyone that tried to help. It seemed like I would never regain
the feeling of being happy ever again. I spoke to 5 different psychiatrists,
tried 3 different medications and still nothing changed, I seemed happier but
deep down I was just as broken as the cold night my life came shattering down.
Today
I sat on the hill that we used to sit on when we talked, you can see most of
the town from here. We came here when we were sad, happy, when mum was being a
pain. This was our safe haven and up here no one in the world matter but me and
my best friend. I place the earphones in my ears and close my eyes as our song
takes me out of reality and into a peaceful day dream. I feel the breeze caress
my delicate cheeks and a cold tear rolls down my face. She’s gone, I never told
her how much she meant to me and I never got to say a proper goodbye. But I can’t
change any of that, as I lay down and look at the perfect seeming sky I cant
help but blame myself for all this.
What if I got her help?
What If I spent
more time with her?
What If I told someone?
What if I was dead and not her?
All
of these questions will haunt me till the day I die.
And with the way things
are going I don’t think it will be that long.
